Allow me to introduce you to Kevin.
We have been together for some time, Kevin and I. Specifically about 9 years. It was around my 31st birthday while plucking my eyebrows and checking for blemishes in my 15x magnification mirror that I spotted him. A jet black, pin straight hair jutting out of my chin. I was horrified. This happened to other people. My mother-in-law, or that scary lady at the post office, maybe, but not me. NO! I ripped it out, satisfied that it was a mistake, some weird phenomenon that would not be duplicated until I was at least 50. But a week later, there it was again. It was coarse as a wire brush. It was thick and stiff, but it was a hair, nonetheless. I could have towed a boat with it. I was driving when I spotted it again, so for the full day, all I could think was that every person I came in contact with saw this hair and wondered why I allowed it to grow, maybe felt pity for me, even. In my view, it was easily 6 feet long. I continually tried to pull it out with my fingers, but it wasn't happening. It would not budge. I became obsessed with it, and the first chance I got (I'd actually run to my mothers house to use her tweezer) I tore it from its comfy lair within my chin. Before long, however, I realized this would now be a lifelong battle. I purchased two extra Tweezerman Ultra tweezers, one for my pocketbook and one for my car. I would NEVER have a noticable chin hair again.
So it was inevitable that around that time, while waiting for my 11-year-old to get out of school, I sat in the parking lot and noticed that it was about to rear its ugly head again. I took out the car tweezer and began picking in earnest. Franky got into the car and looked at me with quizzical horror. "What are you doing?" He asked, mouth agape. "Shut up." I said through gritted teeth. "And tell nobody about this." He shook his head and played his video game as we finally drove away.
Less than a week later, though, we were driving home and he pointed at my chin. "Hey,"He said, finger nearly touching my chin. "Kevin is back."
"Kevin?" I asked. I looked up into the rearview mirror and saw that nasty hair again protruding out of my chin. I pulled over and again removed the hair. "Where did you get that name?" I asked him on the drive home.
"Well you know Kevin, in my class? He has a beard like yours." I thought about 11-year-old Kevin and, Frank was right, he had a Shaggy (from scooby doo) beard of 5 hairs. They were long-ish. This was a hilarious comparison, but I didn't want to encourage him by laughing. So I was forced to stifle my laughter all the way home. When we got home, Frank called his father to say we'd gotten home safely, and to tell him about his day. I walked into the room to hear Frank tell Bob, "Oh, she was plucking out her beard on the way home from school." I snatched the phone from him, "I DON'T have a BEARD!"
"Yes, you do, it looks just like Kevin's" Frank shrugged walking out of the room. I was being compared to a pubescent boy, and I wasn't liking it. Not. One. Bit.
As the years passed, most of my friends met Kevin, because he was a preoccuption for sometime. In fact, there was a time when, for reasons I will get into at another time, my tweezer time was limited. I could get away with long armpit hair or leg hair, but a flowing she-beard was OUT OF THE QUESTION. Therefore, I talked about Kevin frequently. In fact, I have friends who I haven't seen in years who ask about him. Actually, many of my friends refer to their chin hairs as Kevin. It doesn't bother me, though. It makes me happy that I am not the only one with a friend on the chin. I am on top of Kevin these days, getting him before he peeks out. Imagine my horror, however, when I was plucking last week, and realized that Kevin has been joined by two friends. Joacquin, who I named for my favorite actor, and Pierre, who has been named for his obnoxious placement in the exact middle of my chin, giving me the look of the demented Captain Morgan, or at least a mean spirited frenchman who has chosen to hate THIS American more than any other.
Now excuse me while I go hunting for Kevin and his friends.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Ode to the Tourists of LBI
Oh, tourist, seriously?
This is a beautiful place, we agree, and we are glad you have decided to spend your money here. But perhaps you can take some things under advisement.
Wawa is terrific, we love it too. Bare feet inside Wawa, however, is disgusting. I am thrilled that you are that relaxed, but food is being prepared all around, and are you aware that athlete's foot is a real thing? Plus, your feet are gross. Really, black-bottomed-feet are repulsive. While we are on the subject of Wawa, g-strings are ill-advised. I understand why you wear then on the beach, but your choice of wearing butt floss inside a crammed convenience store is questionable at best.
Beach badges are required. The revenue they generate keep our beaches among the cleanest, safest and nicest on the Jersey Shore. Isn't that WHY you come here to begin with? So please do not abuse and/or assail the young people who, in addition to being members of my immediate family, are just doing their job. You do not need to call them names, and believe it or not, it doesn't matter that you OWN your beach house. Merely OWNING real estate on Long Beach Island doesn't preclude the necessity of beach badges. By the way, we are VERY, VERY impressed that you own your weekend home here. This, however, does not mean you are a local. Local live here all the time, and work very hard to keep this place going all year long. Amazingly, in your absence, this island continues to thrive. Scary, I know, but true.
Also very impressive is your choice of motor vehicle. I know, your BMW, Audi, Jaguar, Porsche, well you get the idea...., is the single most impressive car on the island, therefore, the general rules of the road do not apply to you. Stop signs, traffic signals, crosswalks, and speed limits are for those of us who drive Jeeps, Toyotas, or even the dreaded FORD! Your luxury car is exempt. We UNDERSTAND. While on the subject of driving, you know that crazy middle lane with the arrows going on both directions?? That is called a TURNING lane. It is an amazing invention. You can pull into it and the safely turn from it. I know. I will pause now, so you can recover from your shock.
I would also like to introduce you to the bike lanes. Bike lanes are very interesting, because while we have helmet laws, very few of you choose to exercise your right to wear a helmet. I find this particularly interesting, due to the fact that you ALSO choose to ride in the middle of the road as opposed to the BIKE lane. Believe it or not, at least once a year (and by year, I mean summer) a pedestrian and/or bicyclist is hit by a car. Generally, the car will always win in that match-up. Obeying the rules of the road for bikes is always recommended, especially when you have to understand that the people who are driving MAY fit into the group of vehicles I mentioned before. Finally, I would like to tell you that we have very little crime here. EXCEPT, of course, during the summer. A rash of bike thefts, petty shoplifting, clothes off our lines, etc. is always expected. Sirens going all day and night are a sign that you are here. We do not want you to die on vacation, we want you to come back (well, sort of), so please, practice safe visiting while vacationing here. And while you abuse us in our stores and restaurants, we will be counting the minutes until Chowderfest comes, and you go home....
This is a beautiful place, we agree, and we are glad you have decided to spend your money here. But perhaps you can take some things under advisement.
Wawa is terrific, we love it too. Bare feet inside Wawa, however, is disgusting. I am thrilled that you are that relaxed, but food is being prepared all around, and are you aware that athlete's foot is a real thing? Plus, your feet are gross. Really, black-bottomed-feet are repulsive. While we are on the subject of Wawa, g-strings are ill-advised. I understand why you wear then on the beach, but your choice of wearing butt floss inside a crammed convenience store is questionable at best.
Beach badges are required. The revenue they generate keep our beaches among the cleanest, safest and nicest on the Jersey Shore. Isn't that WHY you come here to begin with? So please do not abuse and/or assail the young people who, in addition to being members of my immediate family, are just doing their job. You do not need to call them names, and believe it or not, it doesn't matter that you OWN your beach house. Merely OWNING real estate on Long Beach Island doesn't preclude the necessity of beach badges. By the way, we are VERY, VERY impressed that you own your weekend home here. This, however, does not mean you are a local. Local live here all the time, and work very hard to keep this place going all year long. Amazingly, in your absence, this island continues to thrive. Scary, I know, but true.
Also very impressive is your choice of motor vehicle. I know, your BMW, Audi, Jaguar, Porsche, well you get the idea...., is the single most impressive car on the island, therefore, the general rules of the road do not apply to you. Stop signs, traffic signals, crosswalks, and speed limits are for those of us who drive Jeeps, Toyotas, or even the dreaded FORD! Your luxury car is exempt. We UNDERSTAND. While on the subject of driving, you know that crazy middle lane with the arrows going on both directions?? That is called a TURNING lane. It is an amazing invention. You can pull into it and the safely turn from it. I know. I will pause now, so you can recover from your shock.
I would also like to introduce you to the bike lanes. Bike lanes are very interesting, because while we have helmet laws, very few of you choose to exercise your right to wear a helmet. I find this particularly interesting, due to the fact that you ALSO choose to ride in the middle of the road as opposed to the BIKE lane. Believe it or not, at least once a year (and by year, I mean summer) a pedestrian and/or bicyclist is hit by a car. Generally, the car will always win in that match-up. Obeying the rules of the road for bikes is always recommended, especially when you have to understand that the people who are driving MAY fit into the group of vehicles I mentioned before. Finally, I would like to tell you that we have very little crime here. EXCEPT, of course, during the summer. A rash of bike thefts, petty shoplifting, clothes off our lines, etc. is always expected. Sirens going all day and night are a sign that you are here. We do not want you to die on vacation, we want you to come back (well, sort of), so please, practice safe visiting while vacationing here. And while you abuse us in our stores and restaurants, we will be counting the minutes until Chowderfest comes, and you go home....
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