Ode to the Tourists of LBI

Oh, tourist, seriously?
This is a beautiful place, we agree, and we are glad you have decided to spend your money here. But perhaps you can take some things under advisement.
Wawa is terrific, we love it too. Bare feet inside Wawa, however, is disgusting. I am thrilled that you are that relaxed, but food is being prepared all around, and are you aware that athlete's foot is a real thing? Plus, your feet are gross. Really, black-bottomed-feet are repulsive. While we are on the subject of Wawa, g-strings are ill-advised. I understand why you wear then on the beach, but your choice of wearing butt floss inside a crammed convenience store is questionable at best.
Beach badges are required. The revenue they generate keep our beaches among the cleanest, safest and nicest on the Jersey Shore. Isn't that WHY you come here to begin with? So please do not abuse and/or assail the young people who, in addition to being members of my immediate family, are just doing their job. You do not need to call them names, and believe it or not, it doesn't matter that you OWN your beach house. Merely OWNING real estate on Long Beach Island doesn't preclude the necessity of beach badges. By the way, we are VERY, VERY impressed that you own your weekend home here. This, however, does not mean you are a local. Local live here all the time, and work very hard to keep this place going all year long. Amazingly, in your absence, this island continues to thrive. Scary, I know, but true.
Also very impressive is your choice of motor vehicle. I know, your BMW, Audi, Jaguar, Porsche, well you get the idea...., is the single most impressive car on the island, therefore, the general rules of the road do not apply to you. Stop signs, traffic signals, crosswalks, and speed limits are for those of us who drive Jeeps, Toyotas, or even the dreaded FORD! Your luxury car is exempt. We UNDERSTAND. While on the subject of driving, you know that crazy middle lane with the arrows going on both directions?? That is called a TURNING lane. It is an amazing invention. You can pull into it and the safely turn from it. I know. I will pause now, so you can recover from your shock.
I would also like to introduce you to the bike lanes. Bike lanes are very interesting, because while we have helmet laws, very few of you choose to exercise your right to wear a helmet. I find this particularly interesting, due to the fact that you ALSO choose to ride in the middle of the road as opposed to the BIKE lane. Believe it or not, at least once a year (and by year, I mean summer) a pedestrian and/or bicyclist is hit by a car. Generally, the car will always win in that match-up. Obeying the rules of the road for bikes is always recommended, especially when you have to understand that the people who are driving MAY fit into the group of vehicles I mentioned before. Finally, I would like to tell you that we have very little crime here. EXCEPT, of course, during the summer. A rash of bike thefts, petty shoplifting, clothes off our lines, etc. is always expected. Sirens going all day and night are a sign that you are here. We do not want you to die on vacation, we want you to come back (well, sort of), so please, practice safe visiting while vacationing here. And while you abuse us in our stores and restaurants, we will be counting the minutes until Chowderfest comes, and you go home....